Bienvenue Y'all
Well my entire blog post deleted itself so we love that life for me. Here is to starting over and trying to remember what I said.
Being sick in Paris is not the vibe. Literally a day after I posted my last blog about things being better and looking up, things got worse. I had some sort of bug and just wanted to curl up on the couch and hug my mom. Finding familiar medication and comfort food is not as easy as it is back home. (Maybe I should open a true smoothie shop in Paris) But it wasn't just feeling sick, I also struggled with the line between physical and mental health. It gets blurry and figuring out how to take care of myself is a skill I need to strengthen. After some help from my host mom, a good amount of sleep, and some phone calls with friends and family, I am doing better! Just left with a cough that will hopefully go away shortly. But we should be celebrating...as of Sunday I have been here ONE WHOLE MONTH. Woke up to my alarm Sunday morning and thought "why am I waking up? Oh church. Ugh I don't want to go, but I do want to go." This was such a normal thought process, it felt like I truly lived here.
So what have I been up to????
Well, I went to Shakespeare & Co. A super famous book shop and played tourist, taking pictures with the books and eating the best scone I've ever had in my life. My favorite moment was finding the Shakespeare section and coming across "The Merchant of Venice" in dual English and French. I flipped through to my monologue and sat myself in a cozy chair and quietly to myself "performed" my monologue in French. I was So excited to do my Shakespeare monologue IN Shakespeare & Co. SO many famous authors got their start here it feels like a place where anything could happen. The photo of me at the typewriter will go up in my English classroom one day.
Something else I love about this book shop is all the quotes it has on the walls (and in books). I am a quote girl. One that stuck out the most was written on the stairs,
"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being".
We have all had moments where we feel alone or lost in the dark. Maybe we are physically by ourselves or maybe we are stuck inside our heads. But we have this light, that shines simply from existing. Sometimes it feels impossible to see it ourselves. We are so isolated in our own space or our own thoughts that we cannot see how astonishing we are. Every time I read this quote I think of someone else. Sometimes I read it and think of my friend who is going through big relationship changes and I want to remind her that she deserves so much more, that the light of her own being is SO BRIGHT. I think of a friend who is far away and feels like all the people he loves are away at too great a distance, I want to remind him that he can be his own light and happiness. I think of myself, how living alone in a foreign country can be so lonely and bring dark feelings and I want to remind myself that I have a light inside of me and that I am in control of my actions and thoughts.
I am a firm believer in the power of words and positive thinking. The word astonishing here deserves some emphasis. Your being is ASTONISHING. Google defines astonishing as "causing a feeling of great surprise or wonder". I mean how cool is it to think that your BEING is a wonder. It can be hard to remind ourselves of this and equally as hard to hear it from others. But please hear me today (as I talk to myself as well) that when you feel lonely or in the dark hold onto the fact that your life brings astonishing light to those around you. You matter, just the way you are.
I went to a café the other day and inside there was a sign that said "Bienvenue Y'all" and it felt like me. Combining the classiness I still see Paris as and the hometown comfort of a good old y'all. Everyday I try to make this place feel a little bit more like home. This morning I did an at home HIIT workout and listened to music when I showered the sweat away. It felt normal. I took time to look over my itineraries for some up coming trips. Guys I am SO excited, one of my friends is coming at the end of October and we are hitting THREE countries (plus Paris). And it may be 10 months away, but my mom and I have started planning our family trip to Hawaii, and my boyfriend is coming along - I am THRILLED. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am more excited for things in the future like this trip to Hawaii or all the friends that are coming to visit me, than I am to wake up in Paris. But I think part of that is normal. We tend to look forward to the big things, and the point of being in Paris is to feel like I live here. I spent so much time and energy and dreams on simply getting to Paris, now I am here and it is okay that I am looking forward to whatever is next - as long as I am still present in the moments I spend here.
I am the kind of person who needs explanation, who needs tangible imagery to explain things. Awhile back I explained the concept of the box and button and ball as it relates to grief but what my boyfriend pointed out is that this idea can relate to other emotions too. Homesickness is this box. Some days (or hours) the ball (me) hits the button (emotions) and others it doesn't, and over time the ball will get smaller and won't hit the emotion button as often but it will hit sometimes. To me this justifies my rollercoaster of feelings about being in Paris.
A few other updates:
I went to Versailles to see the night fountain and firework show, and though I wasn't feeling well and should've been in bed, it was beautiful. I honestly think my favorite part was all the bubbles that were being blown around and the gorgeous orchestra music pumping through the grounds. Don't worry, I will go back during the day and explore the castle like the Princess I am, and take SO many pictures in the gardens you will be annoyed.
The things that happen in Paris...I had just finished playing at the park and was hit with a strong homesick, sad, nostalgic feeling. We were walking home and on our street is a radio station, a bunch of people were standing outside and I thought "oh its probably some French artist I've never heard of." I look closer and go "wait, I think that is Ed Sheeran" and sure enough it was! So we stop on the sidewalk and watch him perform three songs. The feelings just washed away by the pure joy that happening upon Ed Sheeran brought. And this gave me the energy to.....
Go OUT in Paris. Pulled myself together and put on a hot outfit and went to a bar and then a club. It was an experience. Thank goodness for one of the au pair girls I went with who had the confidence to walk up to the bouncer guy and he let all of us skip the line and into the club for free. I had such a fun time dancing - the club played "Can't Hold Us" and "Call me Maybe" among a few other hits and then French club music. Here is the thing about going out in Paris, you have to commit to going home before the metro closes or staying out and taking the first morning metro. Well I got caught in the middle. I made my first metro but missed the connection, so to get home I had to take 2 night buses (totaling over 17 stops) and a quick walk - made it home by 3am. My take away? It was SO fun but I am NOT the girl who can do that more than maybe once a month.
I've been to Hillsong Paris twice now and it has been such an interesting experience. I think it will benefit my French. I recognize the topic and words being used. They sing in French with lyrics in English and French on the screen and the announcements and sermon are in both languages with a translator live on stage. It is so cool to worship with other believers in a different culture and place. Mega church isn't my life long vibe for worship, but for the time that I am here, I have really been enjoying it.
Well that was a lot. A mix of motivation, updates, and honesty. September has been the longest month ever. Normally the months go by so fast and you don't know what happened to them, but I cannot believe September is still not over. I am so ready for October and the adventures it will bring. Happy spooky season everyone!
~Be You
Rachel
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