5 & 5
We are half way through baby. It’s been hitting me this week that I’ve completed five months in Paris and have five left (February is this weird month in the middle). I’m currently sitting on a bench in Trocédero, just finishing my crêpe and a café au lait from the stand, starring at the Eiffel Tower. The first week I was here I frequented this little spot while the kids had gymnastics, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was actually in the presence of the Eiffel Tower. It’s startling to me, in a good way, how different I feel now compared to then.
(photos left to right earliest to latest picture)
I look out to the city knowing there are humans out there who know me, not just people across an ocean. I know better how the rest of my day with my host family will go. I don’t feel like I am going to lose my mind sitting here alone.
Getting to Paris was a journey. Choosing to leave my home and friends and structured future to live in another culture, use another language, reside in a stranger's home, and not entirely know what was next, was a very adult thing to do. And yet, I look back at the Rachel who did all that five months ago and she looks like a baby. The growth that comes from being abroad is simply different than any other type.
All my life I’ve been busy. I love to multi-task, to do all the activies, volunteer everywhere, the “imma make it work” person. Stay busy becuase when I’m busy I have control and don’t have to stop to look in my head. And when I’ve inevitably gotten overwhelmed and sought out advice and guidance it always boils down to - “Rachel, be still and know that He is God” and I go “ya ya ya I know” and for a brief time maybe I lose an activity, or journal for a day, or take a nice walk. But just as briefly as I tried, I quickly fall back into busy. Until now. I think I can honestly and confidently say that I understand what it means to “Be Still”. I have felt this stillness in Paris that is unlike anything I’ve understood before. It’s not forced. It’s not loneliness. It’s not laying in bed on Netflix. It’s not lack of activity. It’s this breathe that occurs. An openness where I am simply existing in this world, in this time.
Yes I have some semblance of a routine and structure. I still make plans to hang with friends, I have a work schedule, some french classes, and I like to look at my week and month to have some things to look forward to, but within all that there is this air of simply being. I voluntarily find time to just sent on a bench. To walk to the forest. To turn down a random street in Paris. To walk into a shop. Being still is loosening the need for constant control. It’s feeling your surroundings. Trusting yourself. Listening to your body and minds’ needs.
Have you ever noticed the weird bobble of the head of a pigeon? How many cars there are in Paris and wondered how they don't crash all the time? It’s a city with an awesome metro system and lots of walking and yet there are so many cars. Paris is the kind of place you people watch and wonder if anyone between ages 20-35 who are here are actaully born and raised Parisian or are we all just searching for escape in the city of love.
Life goes on for each person. Be still. It doesn’t mean stop moving. It doesn’t mean stop exploring. It doesn’t mean don't show excessive emotion. It doesn't mean don't plan for a future.
It means breathe it all in. It means be aware of life around you. It means feel your own body. It means see your own soul.
I feel substantially older than when I arrived. I am curious for the next five months. I am très curious if my friends who visit me here will see or feel a difference. I can’t ask my friends I've made here because they didn’t know me before.
Not knowing the exact plan. Not knowing exactly who I will be in 5 months. Not knowing how going home will change things. It is a little anxiety inducing, but it’s not paralyzing. Not knowing invites so many possibilities.
Ha - as I typed that last paragraph, my heart sped up a little bit and my mind started racing separate from what I was typing. Thinking how you have to have some plan or things fall through or don’t happen. How lack of any structure brings just as many issues as too much structure. Shhh mind shhh. Take a breathe. Growth is continuous. And it’s not a straight line.
So here’s to the last five months. The places I’ve seen, the food I’ve eaten, the friends I’ve made and here is to the next five. To the places waiting for me to photograph, the food and drink waiting to be consumed, the friends waiting to find out how crazy I really am, and to the Rachel who will have lived in Paris for a year, I can’t wait to meet you.
~Be You
Rachel
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